Archive for July, 2007

4 them who in pain!

Saturday, July 28th, 2007

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read
this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you
out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health
professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only
know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can
assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering
ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with
you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to
heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with
this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so
I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you
might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this
short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have
five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t
argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume
that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask
you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that
you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about
whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that,
even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is
okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means
you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to
die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s
hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak,
or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you
really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than
you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your
shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights… no
matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to
do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be
suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide.
Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person.
What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The
point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of
coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity
to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the
result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of
character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain
versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

1

You need to hear that people do
get through this — even people who feel as badly as you are feeling
now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to
live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2

Give
yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I
do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two
different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do
it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings
and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done
it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another
5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that
while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on
it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4

Some people will
react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are
frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of
helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless
things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this
horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you
to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will
simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your
week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for
help.

But
don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this
alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an
awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping
resource you need to regain your balance.
5

Suicidal
feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you
need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So
are the various self-help groups available both in your community and
on the Internet.

Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you
should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will
give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of
the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping
resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping
resource, or two, or ten…! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best
coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If
you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling
and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping
resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the
last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from
you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

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just BREAK me!

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns like any rose

You could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
Using the sharp end of what you say
But Im lost to you now
And theres no amount of reason
That could save me

So break me
Take me
Just let me feel your arms again
Break me
Ill let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that Ive let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice

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need some hot tea

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

jis parah banget keadaan belakangan ini, bikin gw sedih. akhirnya sedih lagi, dah lama ga merasakan perasaan ini…
semuanya membuat hati berat dan dada sesak, ga bisa menemukan tempat untuk pulang…
mungkin gw memang ga pernah punya rumah…

gimana keadaan kampus? sedang dinamis belakangan ini walaupun sedang libur panjang kurang lebih 2.5 bulan…ntah ngapain itu orang semua masih pada dikampus!
hahaha, dasar manusia kurang kerjaan, termasuk gw sendiri, hehe
lagi jadi pengawas SPMB si sebenernya, lumayan nambahin tabungan gw buat sertifikasi A1.

sampaikan salamku pada orang2:
joker, kemana aja? lagi ngapain?kok ga pernah keliatan si?
iwan, kok lo masih berkeliaran di kampus si?
a1, kapan traktiran wisuda?
gita, i need ur shoulder to cry on, huhu
tuhan, kapan berjumpa lagi?

and may the force be with u!

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